The Session From Hell

The Session From Hell


This is a fictionalized account of a bridge session played with a most unusual partner. After a pre-game strategy session filled with new conventions and ideas, your eyes glaze over and your mind swirls. You are are fine shape for the first hand!

Completed Tuesday, March 4th, 1997



To Board 1

On Lead Versus 7S
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Girls! Girls! Girls!
To Board 3
LOTUS
To Board 4
The Feature Show
To Board 5
Fourth Hand Finesses
To Board 6
Looking for Jack
To Board 7
Another canape?
To Board 8
The core of the matter
To Board 9
A play problem
To Board 10
Leading the suit above
To Board 11
Taking the scenic route
To Board 12
The leading man
To Board 13
Relativity Speaking
To Board 14
These Broken Hearts
To Board 15
A Lesser Player Would've...
To Board 16
The Perverse Reverse
To Board 17
Cubic Cuebids
To Board 18
"Identification?"
To Board 19
Double Trouble
To Board 20
"Whaddaya mean, seven clubs?"
To Board 21
"Count in what?!"
To Board 22
Lover's Leap
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"Keeping you up?"
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Next Time
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The Case of the Ace
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Black Magic
To Board 27
Restricted choices
Epilogue
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star...

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The Session From Hell - Board 1

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                            Board:  1
                    Vulnerability:  None
                           Dealer:  RHO
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        In a regional matchpoint event, you hold:

                s- Jx       h- KJ10xxx      d- Ax       c- xxx
        
        The good news is that, by reputation, two of the three 
others at the table are "solid citizens".  The bad news is that the 
"full-mooner" at the table is your partner and that you have 26 more 
boards with him after this one.  (I point this out in order to 
reproduce the conditions at the table accurately--not to serve as a 
clue to the proper course of action here.)  Outnumbered, you have 
acquiesced to playing with this maniac because you, an inveterate 
backgammon player, are wedded to the theory that 3-to-1 constitutes 
acceptable odds.

        At favourable vulnerability, you are on lead after this 
"standard" 2C game-forcing auction:
              
               RHO       You        LHO       3rdO
               ---       ---        ---       ---- 
               
                2C        2H       Pass        3C
                3S       Pass      4NT         5C 
                6S       Pass      Pass        7H
                7S       Dble      All Pass

        Yes, 4NT was Key Card Blackwood.  You ask LHO what the 6S reply 
meant and *both* opponents shrug.  No sense asking about 7S.  

        You doubled 7S to prevent partner from bidding 8H.  
        
        So whaddaya lead?

On to Board 1: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 2

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                            Board:  2
                    Vulnerability:  N-S (Them)
                           Dealer:  You
                          Partner:  Lunatic


        Having already dropped one board to the field, you pick up:

        s- AQxxx        h- Axx          d- xx          c- Kxx

        Some variation on the following auction occurs at virtually 
every OTHER table in the event:

                You      LHO      3rdO      RHO
                 
                 1S      Pass      2C       Pass
                 2S      Pass      3S       Pass
                 ??

        2C was NOT 2-over-1 game-forcing, so you might expect hands 
such as the following from partner:

        Responder A:  s- Kxxx    h- xxx    d- Qxx   c- AJx
        Responder B:  s- KJx     h- Jxx    d- Kxx   c- QJxx
        Responder C:  s- KJx     h- xxx    d- xx    c- AQxxx

        Only the last hand type (where Responder's 2C reply is "real"
and not merely preparatory to an invitational Spade raise) gives you
a great chance for game.  

        So, had this auction come up at YOUR table, what would you have 
bid?
On to Board 2: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 3

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                            Board:  3
                    Vulnerability:  Both
                           Dealer:  North
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        Having struggled back to average in this regional matchpoint
event, your space cadet partner now has a chance to go ahead of the 
field with this hand:

        s- 984          h- KJ10964       d- 32           c- 32

        With the opponents vulnerable, the auction proceeds:

                South    Pard    North     You
                                  1NT      2NT 
                 4S      Pass     Pass     Pass

        RHO opened a weak 1NT.  You are playing "bid what you've
got" against it.  Your 2NT call showed the minors.
        
        What should partner lead?

On to Board 3: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 4

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                            Board:  4
                    Vulnerability:  Both
                           Dealer:  You
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        After exchanging pleasantries with your new opponents you
pick up:

        s- K10x        h- AK10xx          d- xx          c- AJx

        As the enemy passes throughout, your 1H opening bid is 
raised constructively to 2H.  

        Playing whatever game-try methods you wish, whaddaya bid?  
On to Board 4: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 5

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                            Board:  5
                            Bored:  Yes
                    Vulnerability:  Them
                           Dealer:  LHO
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        After a rocky start, you find yourselves leading the
field when the opponents stumble into 3NT on the following auction:

               LHO      3rdO      RHO      You

                1C      Pass       1D      Pass
               1NT      Pass      2NT      Pass
               3NT      Pass      Pass     Pass

        Partner leads the Heart deuce and Declarer is looking at:

                              Dummy

                              s- AJ10
                              h- Jxx
                              d- KQxx
                              c- xxx


                              Declarer

                              s- Kxx
                              h- AQx
                              d- Jxx
                              c- A10xx

        In with the Heart Queen, Declarer knocks out your Diamond
Ace on the third round of Diamonds.  Your Heart return is ducked to
partner's King and he clears the suit, everyone following.

        With 3 Diamond tricks, 2 Hearts and 1 Club, Declarer needs
3 Spade tricks to make her contract.

        So who should she play for the Spade Queen?
On to Board 5: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 6

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  You
                           Dealer:  RHO
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        Your mind still reels as you pick up this hand:

        s- K5         h- KQ432        d- Q83        c- 1076

        RHO's 2NT opening (21-22 HCPs) shuts you up.  LHO raises
to 3NT and it becomes your lead.  Playing more or less standard
carding (i.e. 4th best, King might be from KQ or AK), you choose
to start with a Heart.  But which one?
On to Board 6: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 7

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                            Board:  7
                    Vulnerability:  Both
                           Dealer:  South
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        The Director has not yet called an end to Round 2 or
an end to your misery.  Partner is explaining at great length 
his latest crackpot bridge theory to the opponents.  You wonder 
how much worse things can get when you look at your next hurdle.

        R.H. and S.G.!  In all your years of playing against 
them you've never walked away from their table with a single 
matchpoint.  You like them personally, of course, but you 
*hate* that cursed system of theirs:  "Valentines".  Oh, well,
maybe they won't get any tough bidding hands...

        Yeah, right.  When you finally move to their table you
distract them with niceties while partner rummages through 
their convention card like a "kid in a candy shop".  On the
first hand, your side passes throughout as they bid these 
hands:

    South:    s- Jxxx     h- x        d- AJx       c- AKQxx
    North:    s- 10xxx    h- AK10     d- 109xx     c- Jx

        How would you, dear reader, bid 'em with your
favourite partner (and, of course, your favourite system)?
On to Board 7: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 8

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  None
                           Dealer:  West
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        The "Valentines" boys, R.H. and S.G., are not done with 
you yet:

        North:  s- KJxx    h- Axx     d- Ax      c- Kxxx
        South:  s- Q10xx   h- xx      d- xxx     c- Q10xx

        West passes.  With North now starting things off and East 
bidding 2H (intermediate, if a jump) over any 1-level opening, how 
would you and your favourite partner bid these hands?
On to Board 8: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 9

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  E-W (You)
                           Dealer:  North
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        Lest you haven't had enough of the "Valentines" system
after your last two bottom boards, you then watch them bid 
these two hands:

        North:  s- KQ10xxx    h- Axx     d- AQx     c- x
        South:  s- A8         h- 10xx    d- J10xx   c- KQ10x

        How do you bid these hands with your favourite partner?
On to Board 9: Denouement
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To Colin's Bridge Page






The Session From Hell - Board 10

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  Both
                           Dealer:  You
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        You run like a scalded dog from the Valentines pair to
the comfort and safety of the next table.  Here you meet a 
partnership playing a standard system with a few gadgets.  Your
partner holds your average rubber bridge hand:

        s- 432      h- 432      d- 5432      c- 432

        He hears the following auction:

        Pard       RHO        You      LHO
                              Pass      1D
        Pass        2D*       Pass     2NT*  
        Pass        3C*       Pass     3NT
        Pass        6D        Pass     Pass
        Pass       

        2D was inverted, with 2NT promising a guard in both
majors.  3C checked for a Club stopper, which 3NT confirmed.

        So what should partner lead?
On to Board 10: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 11

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  None
                           Dealer:  South
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        As your mind throbs with information overload your partner
decides that, after the three bottoms against the Valentiners, drastic
measures are required to get you back into contention.  By opening a
weak (12-15 HCP) 1NT, he presents your RHO with the following 
challenge:

        RHO holds:   s- Jx   h- AKQx   d- AJ10   c- AKQx

            South         Pard          RHO        You

            Pass          1NT           Dble       Pass
            Pass           2C           Dble       Pass
            Pass           2H           Dble       Pass
            Pass           2S            ??

        What should RHO bid now?

On to Board 11: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 12

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  N-S (them)
                           Dealer:  West
                          Partner:  Lunatic


        Partner picks up the following hand:

        s- J10x     h- Qxxx     d- Axx      c- xxx

        ...and hears the following auction:

                Pard    RHO     You     LHO

                Pass     1H      1S      2S
                 ??

        2S is explained as a West Coast cuebid, asking for
a Spade stopper for 3NT.  What should partner bid here?
On to Board 12: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 13

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  Both
                           Dealer:  North
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        You approach the next round with trepidation and, of
course, a stern lecture from the director ringing in your ears.
It seems that four psyches in two hands exceeded the limits of 
this director's tolerance.  Oh, well, at least he didn't adjust 
the result.

        The cause of your fear sits North:  J.W., aka "The Ram".
In the past this reprobate has demonstrated an uncanny ability
to fleece you of every available matchpoint or IMP at stake--all
the time rubbing it in with teasing banter, constant bleating
and incessant coffeehousing.

        "Just once," you mutter to yourself through clenched 
teeth, "just once I'd like to..."

        Things start off with the Ram facing another "find the 
Queen" hand:

                                Dummy
                                s- AJ5
                                h- K104
                                d- K1087
                                c- 942

                                Declarer
                                s- K8
                                h- Q862
                                d- AJ93
                                c- AQJ

        After Declarer's strong 1NT opening is raised to 3NT your
partner leads the Spade ten.  Five, four, King.  Assuming that
Declarer's RHO is a stronger player than Declarer's LHO, which
opponent should he play for the elusive Diamond Queen *at 
matchpoints*?  And at rubber bridge?
On to Board 13: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 14

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  None
                           Dealer:  East
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        Before going on to the next hand you excuse yourself
and head for the men's room.

        "Good idea," partner chimes as he joins you.

        On the way back to the table partner divines that you
and the Ram seem to have a rivalry going.

        "Not much of a rivalry, really," you counter.  "Whenever
we lock horns he comes out on top."

        "Is that what keeps bringing you out to play?"

        "What?" you gasp.

        "Well, I might be crazy, but it seems to me..."

        Partner's words trail off as you take your seats to
continue play.

        As Dealer, you open a weak (12-15 HCPs when not vulnerable) 
1NT.  The Ram hesitates and then passes.  Your partner holds:

                s- xx      h- 10xxxxxx     d- xx     c- xx

        Playing Jacoby transfers and non-forcing Stayman, any
normal human being would bid 2D, transferring to 2H.  Of course,
2D did not even occur to the moonbeamer sitting across from you.

        Instead, he reached into his bidding box and pulled out...

        Any guesses?

On to Board 14: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 15

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  N-S (them)
                           Dealer:  South
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        Still smarting from the Ram's insult on Board 13, your 
side picks up:

         You:  s- KQJ4      h- A10    d- AQ973    c- Q5
        Pard:  s- 9853      h- K      d- KJ2      c- A9754         

        With partner starting things off and the opponents 
passing throughout, how would you and your partner bid these 
hands?

        Now change partner's hand to:

        Pard:  s- A853      h- 2      d- KJ2      c- K9754

        ...and how would you and your partner bid them?

On to Board 15: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 16

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  E-W (you)
                           Dealer:  West
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        Having extracted your revenge against the Ram, you 
move on to the next table.  For the umpteenth time during
this session, your partner asks to swap directions with you.
You comply, not wanting to argue with anyone displaying such
strange and compulsive behaviour.  As was his custom, he clears
this switch with the opponents and hears no objections from
them either.

        Your new opponents are two kindly local ladies whose
nonchalant, detached and often distracted demeanour belies
their fierce competitiveness and considerable skill.  These
are tough customers whom you've learned from bitter experience
to take *very* seriously.  While their bidding is often quite
crude, you can count on these two not to slip any tricks in 
the play!

        Fortunately, your fate is in your own hands on the
first board.  With the opponents passing throughout, your
side holds:

        West:   s- AJx     h- A10xx    d- x        c- AKxxx 
        East:   s- 9xx     h- Kxxx     d- Kxxx     c- xx

        With West dealing, how would you bid these hands with
your favourite partner?

        Now change West's pointed suits around:

        West:   s- x       h- A10xx    d- AJx      c- AKxxx 
        East:   s- 9xx     h- Kxxx     d- Kxxx     c- xx      
        
        ...and how would you bid these hands?

On to Board 16: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 17

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  None
                           Dealer:  North
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        You soon discover that the ladies' bidding methods are
not quite as crude as you had thought.  You watch them stop in
4H holding:

        North:  s- Kxx     h- J8762  d- AQx      c- KQ
        South:  s- AQ      h- Q543   d- KJxx     c- AJx

        How would *you* bid these hands with your favourite
partner?  And, missing h-AK109, how would you play the Heart 
suit?

On to Board 17: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 18

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  N-S (them)
                           Dealer:  East
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        It seems that partner could not stand to leave Table 6
without committing at least ONE act of total madness.  It was here,
on Board 18, when the silliness reached its peak:

                                Dummy
                                s- Qxx
                                h- Qx
                                d- A109xx
                                c- Jxx
                Pard                              You
                s- KJxx                           s- xxx
                h- KJx                            h- xxxx
                d- Kx                             d- Jxx
                c- K10xx                          c- xxx
                               Declarer
                                s- A10x
                                h- A10xx
                                d- Qxx
                                c- AQx

        After a strong 1NT was raised to 3NT partner finds himself
on lead.  He fingers all thirteen cards, trying to find a lead which
wouldn't give up a trick.  Then, while no one (other than you) is 
watching, he reaches into his shirt pocket, extracts a card and
mixes it into his hand.  He then pulls this same card out of his
hand, lays it face down on the table and asks "Questions?"

        "Uh..."

        Delaying no further delay, he flips over...a Joker!

        Without surmising the lead, Dummy immediately puts down her 
hand.

        "DIRECTOR!"

        How would you rule?
On to Board 18: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 19

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  E-W (you)
                           Dealer:  South
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        "Director!" you shout at first glance of your next opponents.

        "What now?" asks the Director indignantly.

        "There seems to be some mistake here," you explain.  "You
have these Canadian Clubbers sitting the same direction as the
Valentiners, with us sitting opposite.  What are we running here,
a tournament or a gauntlet?"

        The Director laughs off your concerns and wanders away,
leaving you muttering about "starting off six boards behind the
field".  Needless to say, your record against the Canadian Clubbers
has not been stellar.  Knowing how effective their slam-bidding
has always been, you can only hope...

          North:  s- AKJ10x   h- J        d- x        c- AK10xxx

               West     You      East    Pard

                1D      Dble      2D      4H
               DBLE!

        West doubles 4H so loud that paint peels off the wall.

        After you remind West that he is supposed to be using
bidding cards, you ponder the question:  why did you double with
this hand?  Oh, right, now you remember:  you were worried that
partner would pass any black suit overcall with good support for
the other black suit.  You turn your thoughts to the second question:
what to do now?
On to Board 19: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 20

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  Both
                           Dealer:  West
                          Partner:  Lunatic

     At the top of your list of reasons why you might someday
give up this game is the following hand that the Canadian
Clubbers picked up against you:

        North:  s- A8xxx   h- xx       d- KQx    c- A9x
        South:  s- Qxx     h- AKxx     d- A      c- KQJ10xx

     The field played in Spade and No Trump contracts ranging
from the game level to, yes, the *grand slam* level!

     How would you and your favourite partner bid these hands?
On to Board 20: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 21

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  N-S (them)
                           Dealer:  North
                          Partner:  Lunatic


     Hand #21 is your first opportunity to give the Canadian
Clubbers a bad board--and on a slam hand, no less!  As East, you
hold:
                                s- x
                                h- x
                                d- AJ109x
                                c- Axxxxx.

     The auction proceeds:

                North    You     South    Pard

                 1H       2D      3D       4D
                Pass      5C     Dble      5D
                 6H      Pass    Pass     Pass

     The 1H opening bid was limited to 15 HCPs.  South's cuebid
confirmed Hearts as trumps.  Partner's 4D raise was purely
pre-emptive.  North's pass of 4D showed a maximum.

     Your Ace of Diamonds holds the first trick, with partner
contributing the trey.  Dummy appears with:

                                s- Axx
                                h- xxx
                                d- KQx
                                c- KQxx

      So what do you lead at trick two?
On to Board 21: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 22

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  E-W (you)
                           Dealer:  East
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        You find refuge from the Canadian Clubbers at the next
table where a kindly old couple greets your arrival.

        After you pass, South's 1S opening runs into your partner's 
Michaels 2S overcall, showing Hearts and better Clubs.  North passes 
and you hold:

        East:  s- Axxx   h- KJx       d- 10xxx  c- xx

        You would like to make an move towards 4H, but how do
you make such an invitation?  If you bid 2NT and partner shows
Clubs a 3H bid may sound like a simple suit preference rather
than an invitation.  Knowing that partner would make a 2S 
overcall on either of these hands:

        West1:  s- x      h- Axxxx     d- Ax     c- AKxxx
        West2:  s- x      h- Axxxx     d- Qx     c- AJ10xx

        ...what do you bid?
On to Board 22: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 23

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  Both
                           Dealer:  South
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        Board 23 featured some spectacular fireworks:

                South      West       North     East
                 
                 1C        Pass        1D        1H
                 1S        Pass        3C       Pass
                3NT        Dble       Rdbl      Pass
                Pass

        As West, having doubled 3NT, what should partner lead from:

                s- Q1084     h- 2       d- J1073     c- KJ73
On to Board 23: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 24

                    The Session From Hell - Board XXIV
                    --- ------- ---- ----   ----- ----

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  None
                           Dealer:  West
                          Partner:  Lunatic

        So far you've seen partner revoke on opening lead,
seen partner and opponents spring innumerable gadgets and you
have watched four different declarers find four different Queens
for four different reasons.  What more could possibly happen
during this round?  Well...

        s- 2      h- AJ87       d- AK103      c- KQ86

        Pard        North        You        South
        Pass         1S          Dble        2S
        Pass         4S           ??

        Do you double again?  Bid 4NT?   Pass?
On to Board 24: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 25

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  N-S (them)
                           Dealer:  North
                          Partner:  Lunatic

     At the next table you encounter two old rubber bridge
cronies.  North is chastising his partner as you enter
earshot.

     "Well," North sighs as he pulls out a rubber bridge
score sheet, "it looks like we'll have to return to the
basics here, pard.  Bridge is a game of five columns.

     "Here," he pontificates, pointing at the column at
the top left of the score sheet, "we write in OUR bonuses
and overtricks.  In the top RIGHT column we write THEIR
bonuses and overtricks.  Here, in the third column on the
bottom left, we write OUR trick score.  And here, in the
fourth column, we put THEIR trick score."

     "So," asked his partner quizzically, "where is the
`fifth column'?"

     "Sitting right across from me," concluded North.

     Finished with his tirade, North opens 1S.  With both
sides vulnerable, your partner overcalls 2D.  South makes a
negative double.  You pass.  Vulnerable against not, what
should North do with:

                            s- AKQ43
                            h- 87
                            d- KQ92
                            c- Q8
On to Board 25: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 26

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  Both
                           Dealer:  North
                          Partner:  Lunatic

      North is by no means finished his teasing diatribe
about bridge basics.

     "Bridge is like a 4-player backgammon chouette.  You're
`in the box' facing three opponents.  The most dangerous of
these--indeed, the Captain of the Opposition--is the one
sitting across from you..."

      Tuning out this prattle, you hear this auction:

               North     Pard    South      You

                 1D       1H       2C       Pass
                2NT      Pass     3NT       Pass
               Pass      Pass

      South explains that his partner's bidding guaranteed
3+ Diamonds, no 5-card major and 12-13 HCPs.  Partner leads
the King of Hearts and sees this:

                                Dummy (South)
				s- KQ3   
				h- 54
                                d- Q975
				c- AQJ7
                Partner
		s- 108
		h- KQJ8
		d- K43
		c- 8654

        You play the 6 (lowest, discouraging) and Declarer
contributes the 3.  Partner continues the Jack of Hearts.

        Assuming you were to play the 7 and Declarer the 2,
WHO HAS THE HEART TEN?  And how does partner know this?

On to Board 26: Denouement
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The Session From Hell - Board 27

                            Event:  Regional
                          Scoring:  Matchpoints
                    Vulnerability:  None
                           Dealer:  South
                          Partner:  Lunatic

     Well, you made it to the last board with your sanity,
if not your bearings and equilibrium, intact.  In doing so,
you will end up with more than your partner started with.

     Speaking of your partner, he holds:

                                s- AQ
                                h- xxx
                                d- xxxx
                                c- 1098x

     ...and hears this auction:

              South    Pard      North    You
               1NT     Pass       2C     Pass
               2S      Pass      4NT     Pass
               5H      Pass       6S     Pass
              Pass     Pass

     2S was alerted as being a Puppet Stayman response,
promising 5 Spades in a 5-3-3-2 type hand.

    "How bad can this be?" your partner must have asked
himself.  "With any kind of luck, 1NT Opener's 15-18 HCPs will
include the Spade King and they'll go down one for a good
score our way."

     Partner leads the Club ten and sees this mountain come
to earth:

                                s- Kxxxx
                                h- KQxx
                                d- KQ
                                c- AJ

     No doubt your partner cursed to himself:  "I could've
lived without seeing the King of Spades ON DUMMY!"
Nevertheless, Declarer--a good player with 15 HCPs and a
5-3-3-2 type hand--went down one.

     But how?
On to Board 27: Denouement
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Board 1: Denouement

        At the table the Ace of Diamonds was led and covered by
Declarer's whole hand.  "Ruffing and drawing trumps, starting
with dummy's King," he claims before leaning over and peeking at 
your partner's hand.  

                                   You

                                s- Jx       
                                h- KJ10xxx      
                                d- Ax       
            Declarer            c- xxx                     Dummy

         s- AQ10xxx                                     s- Kxx
         h- A                                           h- void
         d- void                                        d- KJxxxx
         c- AKQxxx                                      c- Jxxx
                                  Partner

                                s- xx
                                h- Qxxxxx
                                d- Qxxxx
                                c- void

        Declarer slaps your partner on the back, chuckles and raves:  
"Nice club bid!"

        "Which one?" Partner replies flatly.  "My first one or my 
second one?"

       Dummy wonders aloud why your partner wouldn't just splinter 
with 4C over the 2H bid.  Declarer points out that he wouldn't have 
gone to 7S if that had been the case.  You try to blot out all of this.
As the thought of 26 more boards with this lunatic filters into your 
brain the room starts spinning and fades into black...
On to Board 2
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Board 2: Denouement

        Well, at every other table your hand passed three Spades.  But
you didn't have the benefit of the above auction at yours.  No.  Opposite
your 1S opening partner gets a crazed gleam in his eye and bids 2NT,
bouncing in his seat as he does so.  You alert, hoping that no one would
ask:

        "Yes?" RHO intones.  "What does 2NT mean?"

        Before the session from hell started, your ersatz erstwhile
partner smiled at your suggestion that you play a Jacoby 2NT reply here.
Instead, the two of you would be playing something called...what was it
again?...oh, right..."GIRLS".  You rack your brain, trying to cipher out
what that silly acronym stood for.  GIRLS.  GIRLS.  Oh, yeah:  "Game-try 
In Responder's Long Suit".

        "Uh, my partner has a long suit headed by two of the top three
honours in support of my Spades," you bluff authoritatively, hoping RHO 
won't ask:

        "Which long suit?"

        "Umm," you stammer, "I don't know."

        Seeing everyone's dissatisfaction with this answer, you quickly
add:  "Yet!  I don't know what long suit he has YET."

        RHO sports the same indulgent grin that partner showed when you
suggested playing Jacoby 2NT.  You ignore this and focus on trying to 
figure out what suit partner has.  You remember him blithering something 
about "maxi-flex" (i.e. when in doubt, bid the cheapest step).  You trot 
out a 3C bid.  Halleluliah!  Partner alerts!  At his turn, he bids 3S.  
3S?  Hmm, 3D would've probably shown Diamonds, 3H, Hearts.  So 3S must 
show Clubs!

        You count ten Black tricks and proceed to 4S.  Sure enough,
partner tables the Type C hand:

          s- KJx     h- xx     d- xxx   c- AQxxx   

        And you chalk up +450.  Top board.  Back in the hunt!

On to Board 3
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Board 3: Denouement

        Without so much as a nanosecond's thought, your partner
bangs down the Club trey.  The complete hand was:

                                  Dummy

                                  s- KQxx
                                  h- xx
                                  d- A10xx
                Pard              c- KJx             You

                s- xxx                               s- x
                h- KJ10xxx                           h- xx
                d- 32                                d- QJxxx
                c- 32           Declarer             c- AQxxx

                                s- AJ10xx
                                h- AQx
                                d- Kx
                                c- 10xx

        Two quick Club honours and a Club ruff gets your side off to
a great start.  Partner exits with a Diamond and collects a Heart
trick later.  4S, down one.  Average plus.  Ever gracious, you
compliment your partner on his lead.  So far, so good.  But then you
make the mistake of asking him how he managed to find it.

        Partner stares back quizzically.

        "It was obvious," he states flatly.  "LOTUS".

        "LOTUS?" you counter, despite your better judgement.

        "Yes," he continues indulgently.  "If you held: 
                
              s-x       h- xx        d- AKQxx       c- xxxxx

        "...you would probably overcall 2D rather than the Unusual 2NT,
wouldn't you?"

        "Well, yes, I probably would, but--"

        "Exactly," the wildman continues.  "So if either of your two
suits is much stronger than the other it is more likely to be the
LOWER ranked suit whenever you make a 2-suited overcall.  Right?"

        "So LOTUS stands for..." you wonder aloud.

        "Lower Of Two Usually Stronger."

        Seeing you reach for a pencil, partner tells you that you don't 
have to write "LOTUS" on your convention card.  You weren't going to.  
Rather, you were trying to pass a message to the opponents:  

        "As soon as we leave the table, yell `FIRE!'"
On to Board 4
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Board 4: Denouement

        Seduced by those ten-spots, you decide that this hand is
worth one try at game.  The problem, as you see it, is that game 
will likely be odds-on *only if partner has nothing wasted in 
Diamonds*.  You chance upon an idea:  a short suit game try in 
Diamonds!  You put the "2S" bidding card on the table.  Playing 
2-way game tries with your steady partners you would now expect to 
hear 2NT, allowing you to identify the short suit by rebidding 3D.

        As soon as your 2S bidding card hits the table you realize
your error.  You aren't playing with your usual, normal partner.  In
fact, "usual" and "normal" are the last two words you'd use to describe
the man sitting across from you now.  And, of course, you are *not* 
playing 2-way game tries!

        Nevertheless, the madman alerts.  You rack your brains, trying
to remember what type of game tries you are playing.  You vaguely 
recall him saying something about a "Feature Show".

        The "derango" bids 2NT.  A Spade card, you presume.  This is 
good news.  But what about a Club card from partner?  What to do now?  
You bid 3C, hoping that this asks for help in that suit.  Sure enough, 
partner alerts your 3C bid.  When LHO inquires, you hear more good 
tidings from partner:  "3C authorizes me to go to 4H if I have a Club 
card."

Looking at:

        s- AJx         h- xxxx         d- xxxx          c- Kx

        ...he dutifully jumps to 4H.

Whereas with:

        s- AJx         h- xxxx          d- Kxxx          c- xx

        ...he would have bid 3D and respected your 3H sign-off.

        Hearts break 3-1 but your luck at finding Queens proves much 
better than your luck at finding partners.  Correctly placing the 
Spade Queen with RHO nets you +620, another near-top and a 
congratulatory smile from pard.

        You're on a roll!
On to Board 5
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Board 5: Denouement

        After some thought, Declarer travels to the Spade Ace, cashed 
the good Diamond (don't suits always break 3-3 for the opponents?) and 
passes the Spade Jack, successfully finessing your Queen and claiming 
+600.

        "Nice guess," you concede graciously.

        "No nicer than your guess on the previous hand," partner
chirps.  "And probably motivated by the same theory of Fourth Hand
Finesses."

        As Declarer--an old acquaintance of this rubber-roomer--nods
knowingly you eloquently plead ignorance:  

        "Huh?"

        "I couldn't bid over 1C and you couldn't bid over 1D," partner
explains patiently.

        "Yeah, so?" you pursue.

        "When I passed 1C, I had only heard one opponent bid.  You, on
the other hand, had heard TWO opponents bid freely and could, therefore,
not expect much from me.  Hence, the upper limit of YOUR hand was
higher than the upper limit of MINE.  All other things being equal and
with no other clues to go on, this means that you are ever-so-slightly 
more likely to hold any outstanding high card than I am."

        Your eyes bug out and your mind boggles.

        "Naturally," grants the loon, "I assume you know all of this.
Quite basic, really.  Isn't that how you found the same card on the 
previous hand?"

        "Oh, yes," you lie vacantly.  "Of course..."

On to Board 6
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Board 6: Denouement

        You consider the prospects of a low Heart--the deuce, in
case it lulls Declarer into a false sense of security.  This is 
better whenever partner holds a singleton Ace or Jack and in some 
instances when partner holds the doubleton Ace or Jack.  A low
Heart loses whenever the opposition's Heart holdings split 2-2
and when your side, with no chance of beating 3NT, needs to cash
its tricks quickly.  At IMPs you would lead a low Heart.

        This being matchpoints, you decide to get whatever tricks
you can by leading a Heart honour.  You reach for the King
before pausing for thought.  Clearly, the King is what would be
considered correct by any *normal* partner.  For this reason--and 
no other--you lead the Heart...Queen!

                               Dummy
                               s- Jxx
                               h- 87
                               d- J10x
        You                    c- KQxxx              Pard
        s- K5                                        s- xxxx
        h- KQ432                                     h- J96
        d- Q83                                       d- xxxx
        c- 1076                Declarer              c- xx
                               s- AQ10x
                               h- A105
                               d- AKx
                               c- AJx

        As soon as you see dummy--and before you see partner's
card--you are glad that you led a Heart honour.  If Declarer had the  
Heart Jack instead of, say, the Club Jack, your side would likely 
score only the Spade King after a small Heart lead.

        Whenever one was led, a Heart honour was allowed to win the 
first trick.  For some of those holding your partner's h-J96 the 
h-King lead presented a problem:  to encourage (playing West for h-KQ) 
or discourage (expecting West to hold h-AK)?  Most chose correctly.  
Those that didn't presented an ethical problem to the opening 
leader, since the time it took for East to decide to discourage 
revealed the Heart Jack.  This being the honest game it was,
these West's switched to a Club and spat up -460.

        Your Heart Queen presented partner no such problem.  He
encouraged, you continued.  Declarer could have cashed nine tricks 
but correctly decided to take the Spade finess.  Down one, for a
near top your way.

        "Brilliant choice of leads," partner commends.  "You knew
I couldn't have the Heart Ace so you looked for the one useful 
card I could own:  the Heart Jack.  Very good!  Reminds me of a 
ruse I know:  the opponents lead a King and..."

        You tune him out, look upwards, squint and whisper:  "Are
You having fun yet?"

On to Board 7
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Board 7: Denouement

        Playing canape, South began with 1S.  North's 2S raise 
was not entirely encouraging (6-8 HCPs, 4+ Spades), but South
ventured on unabated with 3C.  North had full value for his
3NT call.  Finding the Diamond Kxx onside gave Declarer 3  
Diamonds, 5 Clubs and 2 Hearts for +630.

        No matchpoints for you here!  Partner is, of course,
effusive with praise for the opponents.  You, meanwhile, are
doing the math:  2 more hands against these guys, twenty
more with this partner.  Then to the "28th Board", a bar 
across the street, for a good stiff drink...
On to Board 8
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Board 8: Denouement

        At virtually every other table North opened 1NT and
East played in 2H for +110 or +140 N-S.  At YOUR table, North's 
1NT opening is alerted.  Partner asks and is told that 1NT promised 
a flat hand of 13-16 HCPs and a "core" of 4-3, 4-4 or 5-3 in 
Spades and Hearts respectively.  

        Over your partner's 2H, South looks at the vulnerability 
and bids 2S.  You make a defensive double of 2S, supporting your 
partner's Hearts.  North's 3S call ends the auction.

                North      East      South      West
                 1NT*       2H         2S       Dble*
                  3S       Pass       Pass      Pass

        To make matters worse, South finds your partner's c-AJ,
draws trumps and chalks up +140 in 3S.  Fixed like a dog at the  
vet, you roll your eyes and brace yourself for the post mortem.
        
        Out of curiousity, your partner asks R.H.:  "Why Spades?  
Why does your 1NT opening promise four *Spades*?"

        "It's the only suit we can't bid and then rebid 1NT,"
comes the reply.  The three of them begin discussing the problems  
involved in Responder competing with 4-card suits opposite a more
standard 1NT opening.

        "Exactly," concludes the wildman.  "Opener's possible
doubleton hangs over Responder's throat like Poe's pendulum."
On to Board 9
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Board 9: Denouement

        Results from the other tables were more mixed on this
hand.  Many played in a Spade game, many in 2S, and a few pairs 
in 1NT.  As your side passed, the Valentines auction proceeded:

                        North     South
                          1S             - Canape, 12-18 HCPs.
                                   1NT*  - Unlimited force.
                          2S*            - 15-18, 1-suited.
                                   2NT*  - "Short suit?"
                          3S*            - Short in Clubs.
                                   3NT   - To play.

        This turned out to be one of the more interesting play
problems from the session:
                                Dummy
                              s- KQ10xxx    
                              h- Axx     
                              d- AQx     
        Pard                  c- x                    You
        s- J76                                        s- 9x
        h- KQJx                                       h- xxx
        d- xx                                         d- Kxxx
        c- J742                                       c- Axxx
                                South:  
                               s- A8         
                               h- 10xx    
                               d- J10xx   
                               c- KQ10x

        At first glance 4S seems like an easy contract.  North
wins the Heart lead, North puts hir small Club on the table and
eventually pitches two Diamonds on the c-KQ.  Nevertheless, 4S
actually failed at most tables where it was bid!

        Some Norths played two rounds of trumps, ending up
in dummy and then tried for a possible overtrick, finessing
in Diamonds.  Others found a more adventurous way to fail:  North
led a Club from hir hand at trick two.  East won the Ace and
put partner in with a Heart.  West cashed the second Heart winner
*and then played the 13th Heart*!  North could have guessed to
ruff in with the Spade ten, but would then worry seeing East
discard a Club.  Would the c-KQ still cash?  Instead, most Norths
pitched a Diamond on the 13th Heart.  East's Spade nine forced
the Ace from dummy (South) and Declarer then had to guess to
finesse in Spades rather than play for the Jack dropping.  Many
went wrong misguessing on this line of play.
        
        At your table, playing in 3NT, South holds up twice on 
your partner's h-K lead, wins the third round perforce and leads 
the Club from dummy.  South's King holds the trick as he 
carefully notes your partner's discouraging deuce.  Assuming six 
Spades, a Club and two red Aces, 3NT is now secure.  But +400 
will not fare well against +420 in 4S.  South pondered the 
matchpoint considerations.  How many pairs would reach & make 4S 
with these cards?  The Diamond finesse was 50-50, but even if it 
lost 3NT might still make if East has the Club Ace but not the 
fourth Heart (as was, in fact, the case).  And, of course, the 
Diamond hook may be necessary in some cases where East has four 
Spades:

             e.g.      s- Jxxx  h- xxx  d- xxx  c- Axx.

        Eventually, South decides to "go for the gusto".  He holds
his breath as you win the Diamond King.  Do you hold the fourth 
Heart?  If not, was your partner's Club deuce a ploy from c-Axxx
designed to lull South into a false sense of security?  If so,
South resolves to tip his hat to the defence and accept -50.
As it turned out, though, you could only cash your Club Ace to
hold 3NT tight.  +400 and a well-deserved near-top for N-S.

        You have had more than enough of these guys and are
anxious to move on.  Not so your partner, who becomes very 
animated, scribbling two hands down on separate pieces of paper
before presenting them as a challenge to the Valentiners.  

        "This is a hand Tom Edwards posted to the rec.games.bridge 
newsgroup.  How would you guys bid it?  You first, R.H.  IMPs, both 
vulnerable."

                R.H.            S.G.
                ----            ----
                5               1098
                A               J1054
                A965            KQ3
                AKJ10643        872

        Their auction proceeds with R.H.'s forcing 1C and relay 
rebids opposite S.G.'s mostly natural bidding:

                1C              1NT - 6-8 HCPs, flat.
                2C               2H - 4 Hearts.
                2S              2NT - No 2nd suit;  hence, 3-4-3-3.
                3C               3D - Minimum.
                3H               4D - Forced cuebid of d-A or d-K.
                4H               5D - Forced cuebid of d-Q.
                6C

        The opponents frown at your partner, wondering why he 
would give them such an "easy" hand to bid.  None too soon, the 
Director calls the move for the next round.
On to Board 10
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Board 10: Denouement

        6D was a very popular contract, with results depending        
largely on the opening lead.  Your partner put the Heart trey
on the table.  The whole hand was:

                                Dummy
                                s- A9x
                                h- Qx
                                d- AKQx
                Pard            c- A10xx         You
                s- 432                           s- Kxx
                h- 432                           h- KJ10xx
                d- 5432                          d- x
                c- 432          Declarer         c- Jxxx
                                s- QJ10x
                                h- A9x
                                d- J10xx
                                c- KQ

        The Heart Queen, King and Ace were played at trick one.
Declarer played two rounds of trumps, saw the break and carefully
played the c-KQ before taking the Spade finesse.  Your two
major suit tricks gave your side +100 and a tie for top.

        "Nice lead, partner!"

        "Elementary," he replies dismissively.  "When in doubt, lead
the suit above Declarer's first bid.  Declarer opened 1D.  I led
a Heart."

        Simple game.
On to Board 11
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Board 11: Denouement

        
        Not having faced such a situation before, RHO could not
pass with any confidence that his partner, South, would feel
compelled to back into the auction.  RHO's double ended matters.

                                You

                                s- Axx
                                h- xxx
                                d- KQxxx
                RHO             c- xx             South
                s- Jx                             s- xx
                h- AKQx                           h- xxxx
                d- AJ10                           d- xx
                c- AKQx         Pard              c- xxxxx
                                s- KQ109xx
                                h- Jx
                                d- xxx
                                c- Jx

        While your partner chalks up +470 RHO leans across to his
partner and asks:  "It seems we missed our Heart game.  If I had
passed 2S, would you have felt compelled to bid with your yarborough?"

        South shook his head.  You cradle yours in your hands.  Why
have the Fates decided to grace such actions as your partner's with 
success?  

        Reporting partner's psyches to the TD was a dicey 
affair.  This particular director generally took a dim view
on anyone psyching three times in the same *month*, let alone
three times on the same hand.  The director arrives and makes it 
clear to your partner that no further psyching would be tolerated
during this session.

        "Sorry," your partner replies, "but I'm afraid that
would be unfair."

        "What?!" bellowed the director, unaccustomed to having
his authority challenged.

        "It wouldn't be equitable," partner explained politely.  
"It would put my partner in the unique position of knowing that
no more of my bids could be psychic.  Our opponents, who haven't
`shot their bolt yet', would be at a distinct disadvantage.  You 
see my point, don't you?"

        "Umm, yes, well," stammered the director, "carry on,
then.  But I'll be watching you two!"

        A random thought flitters through your brain:  "Maybe if 
I were to fake a seizure..."
On to Board 12
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Board 12: Denouement

        Partner piped in with a lead-directing 3D call.

                                Declarer
                                s- Kxx
                                h- AK9xx
                                d- Kxx
                                c- xx

                 Pard                             You
                 s- J10x                          s- AQ98x     
                 h- Qxxx                          h- xx        
                 d- Axx                           d- J109x       
                 c- xxx                           c- Jx         
                                Dummy
                                s- xx
                                h- J10
                                d- Qxx
                                c- AKQxxx             

        North was happy to bid 3NT over the 3D call, looking
at strength in both pointed suits.  In 3NT matters rested.

        Your failure to lead partner's Club "suit" against 7S 
on Board 1 served as a lesson.  Without thought, you bang
down the Diamond Jack.  Declarer ducks, partner rises with the
Ace and shifts to the Jack of Spades.   Five tricks later
Declarer claimed for down two.  +200 E-W.

        Results from other tables were very mixed.  At most,
3NT made anywhere from nine to thirteen tricks, depending on
lead and greed.  Some N-S pairs played in 4H but only one 
chalked up +620.  Most pairs in 4H spat up -100.

        When Declarer asks your partner about the 3D call you
hear the explanation:  "Just biddin' what I had.  I had three 
Diamonds, I bid three Diamonds..."

        "DIRECTOR!"

On to Board 13
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Board 13: Denouement

                                Dummy
                                s- AJ5
                                h- K104
                                d- K1087
                                c- 942
             Pard                                    You
             s- 10932                                s- Q764
             h- A93                                  h- J75
             d- Q4                                   d- 652
             c- K865                                 c- 1073
                                Declarer
                                s- K8
                                h- Q862
                                d- AJ93
                                c- AQJ

        Declarer could play on the other suits first, but
would not have found many clues.  Instead, he plays a Diamond to
the King.  You contribute the deuce.  On the ten of Diamonds you
play the five.  Declarer goes into a long huddle, glances once to
his left, once to his right and plays...the Ace!

        This guess allowed the Ram to be one of the few Declarers
to scramble home with nine tricks from these 28 HCPs.

        "Sorry, pard," you apologize.  "I guess he must have
picked up on my count signal in Diamonds."

        Partner shook his head.

        "I don't think so.  It is true that too many players will give
an honest count from three small, I don't think that is what tipped 
him off here.  It appears that he was about to pay you a compliment,
finessing you for the Diamond Queen, when he seems to have changed
his mind."

        The Ram nodded.

        "Yes," he concurred obnoxiously, "I was about to apply the
Riley Rule:  always take your finesses into the lesser player, since
he is less likely to know what to continue."

        "The Riley Rule?" I queried.  "Never heard of it."

        "Of course," the Ram continued, "had this been rubber bridge
I would do the exact opposite, allowing the Rubber Bridge Theory of
Relativity to take precedence."

        "The Rubber Bridge Theory of Relativity?" I wondered aloud.

        "High Card Points x I.Q. Points = a constant," partner
explained indulgently before turning his attention back to the Ram.

        "So," partner persisted, "why did you change your mind?"

        "Well," the Ram wheezed, "I stopped and asked myself:  what
the heck am I doing?  Neither of these guys is any good!  So I played
for the drop!"
On to Board 14
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Board 14: Denouement

                                   RHO
                                 s- QJ10x
                                 h- Q
                                 d- KQxxx
                                 c- Q10x
                Pard                                 You
              s- xx                                s- Kxx
              h- 10xxxxxx                          h- Axx
              d- xx                                d- A10x
              c- xx                                c- Axxx
                                   RAM
                                 s- Axxx
                                 h- KJ
                                 d- Jxx
                                 c- KJxx

                You       RAM      Loon       RHO
                
                1NT       Pass     2NT!       Pass
                3NT       Pass     Pass       Pass

        On the small Spade lead partner laid his hand down. 

        "No wasted values," he quips.
        
        Despite the disappointing dummy (you had expected 
somewhat more) 3NT proved unbeatable.  Your +400 sparkled as the 
only plus score opposite all of the -170s and -420s for those 
E-W pairs that defended Spade contracts.  Indeed, the assistant 
TD subsequently approached your opponents TWICE to confirm the 
result.

        The Ram, at least, seemed displeased with your partner's
bidding.  From all appearances, one might infer that the Ram had
never considered the pre-emptive value of no trump raises.

        "Why 2NT?!" he demands indignantly.  "Why wouldn't you bid
your Hearts?"

        Your partner looks at the score sheet before glancing up
quizzically at the Ram.

        "Hearts?" partner wonders as a frown crosses his brow.  
"Just how bad do you think I am?"

On to Board 15
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Board 15: Denouement

         You:  s- KQJ4      h- A10    d- AQ973    c- Q5
        Pard:  s- 9853      h- K      d- KJ2      c- A9754         

        This hand offered you your chance to shine.  Playing
Italian style cuebids, the auction began: 

                        Pard        You
                        
                        Pass        1D
                         1S         3S
                         4C         4D
                         4H         ??

        And here you were at the crossroads.  The last three
bids simply confirmed 1st or 2nd round control of the side 
suits.  Because you hold two of the top three trump honours
you are now permitted to go beyond 4S.  But with what?  If
you Blackwood and partner shows an Ace, how will you know
which Ace?  Is this the price you pay for not playing standard
cuebids, where 4C would have promised the Club Ace?

        A better question crosses your mind:  what would your
deranged partner bid with this hand?  In a flash it comes to
you...

                        Pard        You

                        ....         5C!
                         5S         Pass

        5C, in effect, shut out partner from showing the Club
Ace.  Needless to say, 5C was your first experience with such
"pre-emptive cuebidding".  Partner correctly inferred that his 
Club Ace was not of any interest to you and, with nothing else 
to show, signed off in 5S.

        Of course, holding:

                s- A853      h- 2      d- KJ2      c- K9754

        Your partner would leap directly to 6S.

                                You  
                                s- KQJ4      
                                h- A10    
                                d- AQ973    
                                c- Q6
                Ram                              Ram Pard
                s- A7                            s- 962
                h- Q7653                         h- J9842
                d- 104                           d- 865
                c- KJ108                         c- 32
        
                                Pard
                                s- 10853      
                                h- K      
                                d- KJ2      
                                c- A9754         

        The Ram's Heart lead against 5S ran around to your 
partner's King.  He put a small Spade on the table.  The Ram 
absent-mindedly played the seven.

        Seeing his trump King hold the trick, partner stopped to
take stock.  He scratched his head and looked over at the Ram 
before proceeding.  He cashed the Heart Ace, tossing the Diamond
King.  Then he led a Diamond to his Jack, noting the Ram's ten.  A
second round of Diamonds and a spade from dummy endplayed the Ram.

        "Bravo!" you shout, clapping your hands.  "But why did you
risk the contract for an overtrick?  You were already ahead of the
pairs in 6S down one--"

        "Sorry, guys," the Ram butted in, trying to justify his
error.  "I guess a lesser player might have saved time by leading 
a Club from my hand at trick one."

        "Yes," you concede, surveying the room, "but where would we 
find a lesser player?"

On to Board 16
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Board 16: Denouement

        "Why do we have to play all of these gadgets?" you had
complained before the session started.

        "Humour me," your partner begged.  Sure enough, the
opportunity has arisen to apply one of those gizmos.  On this
hand, your partner opens 1C (natural) and you dredge up a 
reluctant 1H reply.  2D by him.  You alert.  The lady on your 
right asks for an explication.

        "A Perverse Reverse," you tell her.  "Partner may have
any one of three hand types:

  a) A normal, natural reverse with both minors;
  b) A long solid Club suit and secondary Heart support; or
  c) A 2-and-a-half Heart raise;

        Of these, the latter is the most common," you conclude.

        If you were curious, you would now bid the cheapest 
unbid denomination (i.e. 2S here), allowing partner to rebid:

        2NT - Short Spades OR Short Diamonds, Heart support.
               - A 3C rebid by you would then ask for the 
                 short suit (3D = D x/void, 3H = S x/void).
        3C  - Natural reverse:  4 Diamonds, 6+ Clubs.
        3D  - Natural reverse:  5 Diamonds, 6+ Clubs.
        3H  - 2-4-2-5-ish, Heart support, no short suit.
        3NT - Solid Clubs, Honour-x or xxx in Hearts.
             (N.B.:  1C:1H:3NT would DENY secondary H-support)
        
        On his occasion you *aren't* curious, so you sign off in
2H--which, of course, does NOT promise extra Heart length.  You
now expect partner to pass (with good Heart support) or rebid
naturally (without good Heart support).

        But partner wants to invite 4H again.  He rebids 2S, 
promising good Heart support.  You play along and rebid 2NT to 
discover his shortness.  His 3D rebid (shortness in Diamonds)
brings you to a screeching halt in 3H.  Had he bid 3C (showing 
shortness in Spades) you would have leapt into 4H.  The 
complete auction was:

                        Him        You
                        ---        ---
                        1C         1H
                        2D*        2H
                        2S*        2NT*
                        3D*        3H

        Ten of Spades lead (from s-K1083, no less!).  Hearts 
break 3-2, Clubs 4-2.  The defence collects two Spades, the Ace
of Diamonds and a trump.  Your +140 nets you an average-plus 
against the pairs who blindly drove to 4H with the West hand.

        You catch yourself before asking:  "Know any other 
gadgets, pard?"  No sense encouraging him...

On to Board 17
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Board 17: Denouement

                     North      South
                      
                      1H         3H
                      3S         4C
                      4D         4H
                     Pass

        Declarer (North) won your opening Spade lead in dummy 
and ducked a trump to your (East's) stiff Ace.  +450 and a tie 
for top their way.

        "Nicely played," you congratulate, "and nicely bid.  By
the way, what was the 3S cuebid?"

        "We play Cubic Cuebids," North explained.  "On the first
level, we just show controls.   You know, 1st or 2nd round
controls, just like the Italians.  You know, Belladonna and  
Garozzo?"

        You nod, allowing as how you've heard of them.

        "But once we have the three other suits controlled,"  
North continued, "we look at Aces and the KQ of trump--six 
cards.  You know, like the six sides of a cube?"  

        Yes, you've heard they have six sides.
        
        "Once 4D confirmed all suits controlled," North concluded, 
"I could only cuebid an Ace if I had two of the top three trump 
honours.  I didn't, so I bid 4H.  Partner could have bid 5H to ask 
me for one of the top three, or could have used Key Card Blackwood.  
But that might have gotten us too high..."

        "Exactly," South concurred.  "And there's no sense going
to 5H if you're not going to bid six."

        You try not to roll your eyes at the revelation.

        "Um, I've never known you ladies to bid like this," you
persist.  "Mind if I ask where you learned this stuff about
`Cubic Cuebids'?"

        Both opponents look at you quizzically before pointing at
your partner.  You try to ignore his coprophaegic grin as you 
chalk up another bottom board.

On to Board 18
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Board 18: Denouement

        Well, it's a safe bet that the ruling is *not* going to go 
your way.  The good news is that one of the better-humoured Directors
comes to the table.  Upon hearing the facts, the Director commands
the four of you play out the hand before calling him back for a 
decision.  Partner puts the Joker back in his pocket and leads a 
small Spade.

        Declarer wins with her ten, plays to the Ace of Diamonds 
and runs the ten of Diamonds.  In with the King, partner exits with 
a Spade to dummy's Queen.  A diamond to her Queen establishes the 
suit for Declarer, who then leads the Queen of Clubs.  When 
partner errs by ducking, Declarer switches to a small Heart and 
cannot be prevented from making 11 tricks.

        The Director returns to the table.

        "Since West has failed to lead a Club, Diamond, Heart or
Spade, I am awarding a two trick penalty.  +720, N-S."  

        "Congratulations," the Director says to your partner, "you
are the first player in bridge history to revoke on opening lead."

        "Oh, well," you sigh, "minus -660 was going to be a bottom
anyway, so it didn't really cost us anything."

        "Au contraire," partner intones, "the Joker lead marked me 
for all of the outstanding Kings.  Sorry, pard.  It seems I tipped
my hand."

        With this, he apologizes to everyone for the kerfuffle,
excuses himself and goes to get a drink at the bar.

        "Why does your partner carry a Joker in his pocket?" dummy
inquires.

        You shrug and make your best guess:  "Identification?"

On to Board 19
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Board 19: Denouement

 
        Your problem is that 4H is likely to be a bloodbath while
a 3-card black suit holding from partner might allow 4S or 5C to
make.  South could hold:

        South #1:  s- x        h- Qxxxxx   d- 10xxx    c- xx   
                                    or
        South #2:  s- x        h- Axxxx    d- Jxxx     c- Qxx
                                    or
        South #3:  s- xxx      h- Qxxxxx   d- Q10x     c- x

        Most North's removed to 4S, sat for a double and saw South
put down Hand #1.  Those that ran from the double of 4S to 5C fared
little better.  Scored ranged from -100 all the way up to "sticks and
wheels" (i.e. -1100).

        You run to 4S, hear another double that registered on the
Richter scale, and come to rest in a firmly doubled 5C. 

                                North  
                                s- AKJ10x   
                                h- J        
                                d- x        
                                c- AK10xxx
                  Pard                              You
                  s- xxx                            s- Q9xx
                  h- AK10x                          h- xx
                  d- AJ10x                          d- Kxxx
                  c- Qx                             c- Jxx
                                South  
                                s- x        
                                h- Qxxxxx   
                                d- 10xxx    
                                c- xx

      On the trump lead you cashed two spades before establishing
that suit with a trumping finesse.  Down two.

      "Well," you conclude, "it seems we did as best we could,
given the problem we faced over 4H doubled."

      Partner and both opponents shake their heads in unison.

      "The solution to the problem," partner intones quietly, "is
to avoid the problem altogether."

      "Pardon?"

      "We should be playing Dynamic 1NT overcalls," continues the
lunatic, "as our opponents are."

      Your LHO takes up the cue and demonstrates how THEY would've bid
these hands:

                South      West      North     East
                 Pass       1D        1NT*     Pass
                  2H       Pass        3C       3D
                 Pass      Pass       Pass

        North's 1NT overcall was explained as Dynamic, usually
showing an off-shape takeout double.  South's 2H was weak, showing
6+ Hearts and 0-2 Spades.  North finds 3C and then sells out to 3D.
Collecting two tricks in each Black suit and a Spade ruff would give
E-W +50--the only plus score registered in that direction.

        You decide not to wait until game's end to embibe.  As you
stride back from the bar you find the Canadian Clubbers explaining
their auction on Board 17.

        North:  s- Kxx     h- J8762  d- AQx      c- KQ
        South:  s- AQ      h- Q543   d- KJxx     c- AJx
             
              North   South
                1H         - 11-15 HCPs, 5+ Hearts.
                       2C  - Golady.  Game-forcing, Staymanic.
                2D         - No second 4+card suit.
                       2H  - DIET TAB.  "Strength?  Trumps?  KCs?"
               2NT         - A maximum.  14-15 HCPs.
                       3C  - "Heart Queen?  Key Cards?"
               3NT         - 5 Hearts, no Heart Queen, 2 Key Cards.
                       4H  - Signoff, missing two Key Cards.

        "I remember reading about the DIET TAB in the Bridge World
and in Amalya Kearse's `Bridge Conventions Complete'," your partner 
comments.  "Very impressive."

        You glare at your partner as he fawns over the opponents.        
        
        "Speaking of DIETs," you think to yourself, "eight more 
boards and I'll be able to shed about 180 unwanted pounds..."

On to Board 20
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Board 20: Denouement

        North:  s- A8xxx   h- xx       d- KQx    c- A9x
        South:  s- Qxx     h- AKxx     d- A      c- KQJ10xx

    As you and your partner passed helplessly, the Canadian
Clubbers bid as follows, alerting and explaining every step
of the way:

        North    South

          1S            - 11 to 15, 5+ Spades
                   2C   - Game forcing Stayman (no less!)
          2H            - No 2nd suit, transferring back to Spades
                   2S   - DIET TAB.  "Spades?  HCPs?  Key Cards?"
          3S            - 5 Spades, minimum, no S-Q, 2 Key Cards.
                  3NT   - "What is your DOUBLETON?"
          4C            - 1st Step = Highest ranked:  H-doubleton
                   4D   - "Kings outisde Spades?"
          4S            - One non-trump King.
                  4NT   - "Anything extra?"
          5D            - Concentrated Diamond values (KQ)
                  5NT   - Grand Slam Force.  "Spades?"
          6H            - The Ace of Spades.
                   ??

     Holding:

                S-KJ109   H- QJ10   D- J10xx   C- xx

     ...in front of North's S-Axxxx, you reach into your pocket
for a hankerchief to wipe up the spittle forming at the sides
of your mouth.  With your other hand you reach into your bidding
box for a red card.

     Suddenly you hear RHO bid the final contract:  7C !

     Seven CLUBS ?  Where did THAT come from?

     You place the red card onto the table.  After all, a double
is unlikely to cost you any matchpoints and, if 7C fails, may be
necessary to keep pace with pairs incurring disaster in 6S.

     RHO rewinds, wins your opening H-Q lead and claims 7C
"beavered" (i.e. redoubled) after ruffing 2 Heart losers in
dummy, tossing his Spade losers on the D-KQ and drawing trumps.
You are then subjected to an analysis by the three others at
the table about how fortunate South was to NOT hold the
Heart nine, which would've made 7NT possible on a squeeze in
the majors.

     Well, you were right about one thing:  the double didn't
cost you any matchpoints!  Oh, sure, it may have cost you a
large part of your sanity and composure, but NO MATCHPOINTS !
On to Board 21
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Board 21: Denouement

      Gratified that your Ace of Diamonds cashed, you wonder if your
Ace of Clubs will be as lucky.  Had North simply "taken the bull
by the horns" and leapt to 6H, trusting partner to hold a second
Ace?  Did he have solid majors and two quick minor suit losers?
Or did he have a void in Clubs and a Spade loser?

      Feeling that you have nothing to go on, you shrug your
shoulders and bang down the Club Ace.  Declarer covered this with
his entire hand, claiming 6H.


                              North

                              s- K10xxx
                              h- AKQJ10xx
                              d- x
            West              c-                East

            s- QJxx                             s- x
            h- xx                               h- x
            d- 8753                             d- AJ109x
            c- J63            South             c- Axxxxx

                              s- Axx
                              h- xxx
                              d- KQx
                              c- KQxx

     Partner and both opponents turned and stared at you as if
you had committed some unpardonable gaffe.  Eventually, South
breaks the silence.

    "Excuse me for asking," he started slowly, "but why did
you choose to ignore your partner's 3-of-Diamonds count signal
for Clubs?"

On to Board 22
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Board 22: Denouement

        Your pre-game discussion with partner had been a nightmare.
Your partner spewed out an alphabet soup of acronyms for conventions
you had never encountered.  Through the maze of swirling names you
vaguely remember something about "Lover's Leap".  It pertained to
precisely this auction, but what exactly was it?

        Slowly, you piece it together.  Because Advancer (you, in
this case) could bid 2NT, hear partner bid 3C and then bid 3D with 
length in that suit, an *immediate* 3D bid is free for artificial
use.  Whereas 3H would be a simple preference, 3D can be used here 
as an invitation to 4H.

        Your 3D call fetches a quick 3H from partner, who happened
to hold the West2 hand above.  Partner scrambled for 9 tricks.  Your
+140 fared very well against the East's who had shrugged their
shoulders and unilaterally jumped to 4H.

        "Well done!" your partner lauds.  "I didn't know whether
you'd remember Lover's Leap."

        "I wouldn't have," you confess, "if I hadn't asked why you
called it that.  A bid of three *Diamonds* to invite a jump to four 
*Hearts*.  Hence, `Lover's Leap'."

        You are justifiably proud of yourself, having recalled what
conventions you were playing with this maniac.  Now, if only you
could recall *why* you were playing with him...

On to Board 23
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Board 23: Denouement


                               North
                               s- K
                               h- 1085
                               d- AKQ9
                               c- 98652
                 Pard                           You
                 s- Q1084                       s- 7532
                 h- 2                           h- AQJ74
                 d- J1073                       d- 842
                 c- KJ73                        c- 4
                              Declarer
                              s- AJ96
                              h- K963
                              d- 65
                              c- AQ10

        Partner finds the Spade-4 lead.  In with dummy's s-King,
Declarer led a small Club and finessed the Queen.  In with the
King, partner switched to the seven of Diamonds.  With so few
entries to dummy, Declarer saw no reason to inserted the nine.  
Rising with the Ace, Declarer led a club to her ten, which partner 
allowed to hold.  Ace of Clubs.  Declarer tries one more ploy:  
she travels to dummy with her second Diamond and puts your
partner in with a Club, hoping he is endplayed.  But partner
exits with his carefully preserved Heart deuce.  You win the
Heart Ace and lead a Spade through Declarer.  Partner wins his
s-Queen, cashes the Jack of Clubs and returns a Spade, leaving
Declarer to concede the setting trick to your Heart Queen. 

        "Nice double.  Nice defence," you compliment, while 
making a mental note to firm up your overcalls a little.

        "Routine," partner yawns.

On to Board 24
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Board 24: Denouement

        While only the most incurable optimist could characterize
your luck so far as being "good", you have, at least, managed to
survive 23 boards without being squeezed at trick two:

                           North
                        s- KQ9875
                        h- K6
                        d- Q942
          Pard          c- A                  You
        s- A3                                s- 2
        h- 1054                              h- AJ87
        d- J765                              d- AK103
        c- 7542            South             c- KQ86
                        s- J1064
                        h- Q932
                        d- 8
                        c- J1093

        Sitting East, you chose to double North's 4S.  A trump lead
to partner's Ace prompted him to return another Spade.  Declarer won
this with the King of Spades and waited for you to discard and tell
her in which suit she'd be getting her tenth trick.  -590.

        "I'll try to hold more next time," your partner soothes.

        A next time?  Does he really think there's going to be a
next time?

Thanks to Drew Cannell for contributing Hand #24!


On to Board 25
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Board 25: Denouement

                            s- AKQ43
                            h- 87
                            d- KQ92
                            c- Q8
           s- J7                                 s- 652
           h- QJ10865                            h- 4
           d- 5                                  d- AJ107643
           c- J1065                              c- 72
                            s- 1098
                            h- AK32
                            d- 8
                            c- AK943

     North chose to leap to 3NT.  At his turn and excited
 South cuebid 4D.  North put the brakes on with 4S and the
 hand was played there.  Your partner led his singleton
 Heart and Declarer chalked up 680.

     Seeing that the defence could beat 6S with a diamond
over-ruff, North guessed that this would be a very good
result for their side.

     "Near bottom is my guess," South countered.  "We'll
beat only those East's brave enough to cash the Ace in
the teeth of my Diamond cuebid.  Won't be many of those,
I'm afraid."

     "I thought about passing the 2D overcall," North
explained, "but I didn't think we can get it for more
than 500."

     "Didn't matter," South countered.  "Most players
would jump to 3D with this East hand.  3D doubled you
would pass with alacrity.  +800 will be the par score
here, I'm afraid."

     Certain that South was correct in his assessment,
you interject an obvious question:  "Pard, why DID you
bid only 2D with that hand?"

     "Just a matter of style," partner explained.  "I've
found that the Ace of a 7-card suit is often worth TWO
tricks on defence, since the very fact that we are
defending increases the chances of partner having a
singleton."

     "So with D-KJ10xxxx and nothing else you would
have..."

     "...bid 3D and gone for my life," partner agreed.
"But, then, 6S would be cold, wouldn't it?"

     As you cover your eyes to prevent them from rolling 
out of their sockets, partner continues:  "And, of course, 
it never hurts to be lucky!"

     Luckier still was the fact that you had only TWO
MORE BOARDS to play with this character!
On to Board 26
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Board 26: Denouement

      Your seven of Hearts would, of course, promise the 
ten of Hearts.  Marked with 3 Hearts, with H-976 you should
ditch the nine of Hearts at trick two, unblocking the
suit while utterly denying the Heart ten.

      You, of course, were helpful enough to play the NINE of
Hearts at trick two.

                           Dummy (South)
                           s- KQ3   
                           h- 54
                           d- Q975
                           c- AQJ7
                Partner                 You
                s- 108                  s- J742  
                h- KQJ8                 h- 976
                d- K43                  d- J86
                c- 8654                 c- K103
                           Declarer
                           s- A965
                           h- A1032
                           d- A102
                           c- 92


        Most Declarers DUCKED at trick 2.  A Club switch
and finesse at trick 3 left Declarer's RHO on lead.
Unable to lead both a Heart AND a Club, most chose the
former.  Declarer won the Heart Ace, played S-KQ and
finessed the Spade nine.  On the last Spade Declarer's
LHO was squeezed:

                           Dummy (South)
                           s-    
                           h- 
                           d- Q97
                           c- AQ7
                s-                      s- J
                h- J                    h- 
                d- K4                   d- J86
                c- 865                  c- 103
                           Declarer
                           s- A
                           h- 10
                           d- A102
                           c- 9

    At YOUR table Declarer, trusting your partner's 1H bid
to show 5+ Hearts, won the SECOND Heart trick and lost the
Club finesse.  This allowed you to track through your last
Heart.  Partner scooped up two Hearts and then found the
critical second club switch.  No more entry for the squeeze.
Down one.

     "WELL DONE, partner!" you gush.

     "You too, pard," South said--with considerably less 
enthusiasm.

On to Board 27
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Board 27: Denouement

                            Dummy

                           s- Kxxxx
                           h- KQxx
                           d- KQ
                           c- AJ

            Pard

           s- AQ
           h- xxx
           d- xxxx
           c- 1098x

     Declarer won partner's Club lead in hand with the King and
immediately led the ten of Spades.  Hoping that your only HCP
would be the Spade Jack, partner played the s-QUEEN.

     Declarer thought for a while, looked at both of you, and
then wondered if the Theory of Restricted Choice applied in a
case where so many poor players would panic and play the Ace
here.  Knowing that, in this case at least, the Theory made
more mathematical sense than common sense, Declarer made the
expert's choice here:  he played...SMALL!

     You deposited your singleton Jack of Spades under
partner's Queen and watched as Declarer conceded down one.

     Upon seeing your partner's Ace, Declarer became effusive
in his praise for the defence.  As you chorus your own
approval, your partner engages Declarer in a discussion of
the Theory.  Declarer explains that, had he known he was
playing against an expert opponent, he'd have applied the
TRC and played the King.  After all, he argued, the "relevant
holdings are s-AQ, s-AJ and s-QJ in your hand.  2-to-1 to
rise with the King".

    "How," your partner asks politely, "is s-AJ in
my hand a relevant holding once I play the Queen?"

     Declarer went ashen white, hearing your partner challenge
orthodoxy.

    "It's like Monty Hall on `Let's Make a Deal'," Declarer
explained indulgently.  "You make a 1-in-3 guess and, assuming
you haven't chosen the booby prize goat, Monty shows you the
goat and offers to let you switch.  Your chances haven't
improved since the original choice.  You should switch.  The
odds are 2-to-1.  Showing you a HERD of goats won't change
that.  Simple."

    "But what if you chose the goat originally?  Isn't the
game over before it begins?"

     Before Declarer can respond your partner looks at his
watch and then out the window at the evening sky.  He thanks
you warmly for the game, excuses himself and leaves.



Epilogue

No one saw the stranger after that night. You ask around. Did anyone know where he came from? Where he went to? No.

The game just hasn't been the same since. These days, you come out to the duplicate club only for evening sessions. Once there, you insist on sitting North-South near the window. On this particular night, your eyes glaze over as you tune out your partner's droning about how well he just executed a Stepping Stone Squeeze. You turn your head and stare out at the heavens. For a moment your gaze is captured by a bright star in a far-off constellation. It flashes twice in tune with your heartbeat...

...and disappears.



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