PJR's Rules for Aspiring Poets

rulez 4 aspiring ~poets~
(by Peter J Ross, as posted to the rec.arts.poems newsgroup)

  • 1. Begin every line with a ~tilde~. Otherwise your post might not be identifiable as ~poetry~.

  • 2. Use..... lots.... of.....ellipses, use commas only to separate complete sentences.

  • 3. Use "2" for "to", "8" for "ate" etc. Otherwise your poem will be 2EZ2 read. Also use emoticons after words like "happy" :), "sad" :( etc, to avoid possible misunderstanding.

  • 4. Use "z" for final "s"; failing that, insert rogue apostrophe'z.

  • 5. Mis-spell as many werdz as posibble, speshly if the results commycall. Who carez abt that stuff 2day?

  • 6. Avoid upper-case "I" at all costs, lest it look as if u give a shit about educatted readrz.... who r all neerly dead anyway & prolly pediatrics too.

  • 7. Use ampersands whenever possible. If "and" does not appear in your poem, add it & wherever it's & least appropriate.

  • 8. Make your signature look like the last line of the poem. That's like wayyyy clever!!!!

  • 9. If you haven't got a web-tv account, get one now. Make sure your name is mis-spelled in your email address.

  • 10. *Important* Make excuses for your poem in the first line of your post. Otherwise people may not like it as much as they ought.

  • 12. Be unable to count past ten.

The following example, by some dead guy nobody's heard of, would have been famous if only these simple rulez had been followed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~yo kewl ppl!!!!!! i wrot this in 5 min, my dads just dyed i have canser, im 12 yerz old..... i was stond when i wrot it & its been published.... tell me what u think, construcive critism only thanx..... lol.......

~friendz!!! romunz!!! cuntrymen!!!! lend me yr earz,
~i come 2 berry ceezer not 2 pray's him ;)
~the evil that men do livez after them......
~the g00d is oft inttered w/ the bone`s......
~so let it B w/ ceezer, the noble brutous
~hath tolled u ceezer wuz ambittious.....
~if it wr so..... it wuz a grevious fault....
~& greviously hath ceezer ansered it :(

~BiLLi~

(Posted here with the permission of the author, Peter J Ross)

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